it was depressing at best and i was (perhaps am) about to have a melt down

i get easily stressed and the stress that i am feeling is on the verge of becoming dangerous

as a result i spent the most unproductive weekend ever

it is easy for me to just let go of things but before i let go of things

i go through painful processes

i may be a girl who gets stressed well and obsesses with petty things

but i believe that my obsessions are imporatan at least at this moment

what i am obsessing over can be directly connected to my future……..

i do not want my dream to be ruined

i am scared

i am really scared

i had a similar experience about 3 years ago but i understand that my current circumstances are worse

i do not know how to recover in a snap

i do not know what to do when why dreams are jeopardized

i know how to give up dreams

but that is the last thing i want to do

i need to snap out of this pathetic me

wake up

wake up

and face it

do whatever you can do to fix this

there are ups and downs in life and since i hit the bottom

it’s time to soar

yes, i am incredibly miserable but

no, i will not make my life itself miserable

and yes, i will make my life incredible from now on

photo credit:http://www.the-reel-mccoy.com/movies/2004/TheIncredibles.html

i regret for not being able to be well prepared and i regret that i made a HUGE mistake while taking the world history exam. I do not want to blame everything on external forces but i really think that i am out of luck these days. From the SATs….and now my AP.

Stilllll…regardless of how grumpy i feel time passes  and things happen

now it is nearly the end of the year and i need to pump my energy up to raise my grades that DROPPED and i have to start being prepared to become a good senior

i don’t want to make a mess out of my senior year

i don’t wan to mess with the most important year of my high school career like i did..this year!

Still i want to make the best out of my junior year

and i want to have a wonderful senior year

no more messy days for me

just good good days should be and will be waiting for me

i had great plans

but all of my plans could not be acted out with special thanks to my

wonderfully torturing cold that i had to fight!

Literally, the whole week was a battle against illness,

i am a really healthy person, and it was such a surprise that i was this sick

BUT

to be optimistic… it was fortunate that it was spring break because i didn’t have to worry

about school…

OH MY GOSH

i am really really really really nervous

i cannot FOCUS at all

i am shaking my legs like a madman (although i always kind of do)

i doing nothing, unable to stick with anything

i am regretting like crazy

i am making a speech to myself

i am not able to digest my food (i think..or maybe i just ate too much)

why?

why am i showing these losing-my-mind symptoms???

welllllll it’s because of the chair tryout for MUN

hahahahahahaha

i did a really BAD job… i was supposed to make a speech under pressure, but for some reason i didn’t feel the pressure until 10seconds before the actual speech

and for some reason i was feeling much time constraint during the speech

which resulted in a disastrous 15second (hope it was longer) speech, more of a comment

i cannot believe myself for doing that………for some reason,,,i don’t know why but when i saw the unexpected Mr. Aitken i couldn’t ummm operate well

anyhow….my hopes are high and low because this is pretty much a BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG deal to me, but low at the same time since i messed up…….

i am going to be a senior next yr, so….if i don’t get the officer this yr i will NEVER get it………….and that will drive me crazy. Seriously, to me MUN is like my brother.. i hate and love it, and it is a substantial part of my LIFE. i hate it when it stresses me, and love it because it’s MUN and it’s what i do…Sunny does MUN, that ’s what she does…

I dread the results…..i hope there will not be ANOTHER DEPRESSION that will hit me HARD….i think i mastered the depression part pretty well. OH WOW i am nervous i am indeed

picture credit…http://www.mrmedico.info/

Nobody likes getting bad grades, especially almost no Asians like getting bad grades (or maybe it’s just a stereotype). I think…. i may be quite an extreme case of not wanting bad grades. I do not think i am obsessed with grades because i realize that there is so much more to life than grades, studying, and college, but i care about my grades. I really do. I fear that some might think that i am a super nerd, that i am a typical Korean student that lives and dies for grades, and that i am a shortsighted person who stresses too much on what is in front of me. But since i know that at least I am not the first two kinds of people i have to speak!!! for the sake of my mental health.

i am really really really disappointed by my grade…All of my makeup tests gave me considerable (NO, MAJOR) shock. Half of the problem was that i was unprepared and half of the problem was that i was in a terrible condition…at least i think. Other than these reasons…..there may be so many other factors that contributed to making my week just shocking.

The thing that bums me out more is that last week was the end of the third quarter and my tests dropped average 4 points for 3-4 subjects……..this is really depressing.

Actually, i was writing this post 2 days ago and had to save this temporarily, so i do not exactly feel like how i used to feel so it’s hard to write with the emotion that i used to feel. In nutshell, i guess what i want to say is…i am really sad because of my grades really just fell down…not just went down but fell down

photo credit:http://www.sduhsd.net/ew/pages/abi.html

when i was in fourth grade my teacher told us that as you get older time flies by faster, and she said when you are 10, the speed of time is like 10km/h and when you are 30 it’s like 30km/h. I have to say she was ENTIRELY right. Time does fly by in a scary speed. It is always hard for me to appreciate time. Ironically, i think this is BECAUSE i don’t have time. During the weekends i think my mind is more relaxed that it lets me realize very very fundamental stuffs that i couldn’t realize. In my busy life, it is hard to think about the past. Almost all i worry about is the homework, project, tests that are UPCOMING, but not the past.

Whenever i think about how time passes so fast i get sad…….I don’t want to be an adult although i’m kind of an adult because of my age. Although this MUST be really weird i don’t want to say that since time goes by so fast we should appreciate the time. Even as i am starting to acknowledge the randomness and terrible structure and  coherence of my post i was playing with my hair. I guess, what i want to say is even though time does go by fast people shouldn’t be slaves to time, people shouldn’t be restrained by time. Everything we do can be nice memories and in my opinion, although we have enough time ahead us so that we don’t have to rush, we don’t have enough time to get held back by time.

boy that was random

picture credit: Infowit